This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
