Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
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To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
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So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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