Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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