Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
