I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
