Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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