Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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