did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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