I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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