Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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