Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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