my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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