Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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