And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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