I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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