I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
