i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
