he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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