the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
