I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Houston, we have a squirter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize