How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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