remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's blow job season.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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