Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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