They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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