question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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