so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize