On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
