Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My balls are so social today.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
