I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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