oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize