I accidentally had phone sex last night
he puts the penis in happiness.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
