Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
