3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
