Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
