Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
