So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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