I haven't been this sober since birth.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I think my moral compass just broke
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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