Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
