whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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