he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
