i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
