We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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