I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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