im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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