thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
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Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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