How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
