Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
