My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
