I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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