Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
