apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
