I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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