wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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