I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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