He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
