enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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