Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
